I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
