She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
