I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
