You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
