it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
