final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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