My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
