Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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