you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
