he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
