Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
