While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
