i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i black out too much to be "responsible"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
