The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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