I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
