shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
