Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
