Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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