good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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