i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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