this beer tastes like vomit already
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize