i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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