Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
