Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
