Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
