So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
