They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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