I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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