I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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