I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
