Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
