He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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