It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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