ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Randomize
