Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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