the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
