i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
