Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
