I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize