My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
