I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I enjoy the company of your penis
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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