just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
