I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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