i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
