when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
