my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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