Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
