I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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