Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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