video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
