I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize