the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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