dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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