I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
