Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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