I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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